


Never gonna be enough

by Caliborth



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abuse, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pale-Red Vacillation, Red Romance, will add tags as it develops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-24 20:35:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4934353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caliborth/pseuds/Caliborth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Horuss finds comfort in Meulin. This changes a lot of things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never gonna be enough

She was naturally good at acting. Horuss had never thought much about it, but it was one of the thoughts that came to him when he watched her interact with pretty much anyone.

  
Sometimes, too, when she talked to him, went on and on about her day. Sometimes, but not too often, he could see, in the way her eyelids lowered, the way her tongue sounded heavier when she pronounced Kurloz' name, the way she held her wrist tightly, the way some things that she was talking about made her seem more attached to the Earth, he thought that then, he could see through.  
Those were tiny, insignificant details.  
It was silly, but he felt special noticing them. Maybe he was wrong; Meulin always seemed like she was brushing off everything as fine, she hated most Horuss expressing worries.

  
Especially when they sounded, to her, unjustified and silly. Pessimistic. Maybe he was just like that, finding the bad came easy to him.  
Rufioh might evoke this if he found the courage to break up with Horuss. The blue blood knew it for more time than he'd care to admit. At first, the thought, slowly getting to him, was terrifying enough for him to do anything to not think about it. Then, he fell apathetic, grew numb as days went to pass. Paralyzed by the idea that Rufioh might start to despise him, he'd stop trying to spend time with him. Rufioh stopped trying as well, which just added to Horuss' anxiety. He felt as though it was too late now; he felt as if it would be too difficult to try and salvage what now belonged to the past.

  
Horuss was holding on tight to his relationship with Meulin. Busy hanging out with her, and sometimes with Kurloz too, he'd give himself a good excuse to allow himself to avoid Rufioh. Meulin talked a lot, but he liked to listen, surprisingly enough, because her favourite topics were boring to him. But he liked getting lost in her shallow interests, which did not necessitate intensive pondering. Sometimes, she tried to get him to talk about his feelings. That was important in a moiraillegeance, and so he complied. At first, he talked a lot of about his interests, other positive feelings, and whenever he got around sensitive topics, he got to learn from her that it was bad to talk about them.

  
That was the hard part. For some reason, he had always thought opening up about things that were hurting him was one of the moiraillegeance's purposes, and he thought that a moirail was supposed to help him with emotional pain by talking it through. He learnt that it was better to remain quiet and not think of it: talking about it made the thought hurt more. Sometimes, Meulin herself could not bear to hear about some things. He realized he could spend a lot of time calmer, feeling, if not exactly okay, at least relatively peaceful by avoiding to think about hurtful things. He needed not to think about Rufioh: the problem would solve itself. Sometimes Meulin asked him to talk about how he felt about him, and it was okay. Not only could he bear the anxiety when looking into her eyes, but actually feel nothing at all for his bronze lover anymore.

  
Though this peace came for a price. Sometimes, he felt lonely, an emotion that he thought should not exist within a pale relationship; of course, relationships were complicated, as he had always known. The loneliness came like a burden on his heart, fell like sudden snow on his shoulders, bit on his hands like a snake, telling him no! You cannot share this. Many times, he did it anyway, shared the thought he knew he shouldn't share. Without failing, it ensured a fight with Meulin at worst; a shallow answer at best. Uh-uh. She looked down. None of their fights got bad enough to lose her, yet he felt like he lost her each and every time. Their relationship had recovered every time, but also it hadn't.  
Some things were better left unsaid. He was learning slowly, at her pace, at everyone else's pace; as he had learnt before even thinking about getting with her; not everyone who loves you is interested in you. Not everyone who loves you cares. Not everyone who loves you cares, (n)or wants to bear it. Some things were better left unsaid; he was learning to control himself and decide against saying the things. It was hard, it was a fight of every second, as was the conscious battle not to break anything when he was furious. But the hardest part had always been the way he was feeling when not talking about it. Learning how to deal with it was difficult, and the work of years. He'd learn to take a shortcut to that.

  
Meulin could make everything okay about herself. She seldom spoke of what happened in the past that hurt her, but when she did, she did with a smile. Horuss found that admirable. He'd wish he could make everything okay about himself. Someday, he would be able to. Someday.


End file.
